


Cultured

by qualamity



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Banter, M/M, Virology, dialogue only, scientifically accurate, this is what my obsession with microbes has become
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-24 00:25:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14944157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/qualamity/pseuds/qualamity
Summary: Harry and Tom are talk show hosts for what should have been a virology show. They really should have written a script before going live.





	Cultured

HARRY: Good morning, afternoon, or evening, dear listeners. You are listening to Cultured. We are—

TOM: I still can’t believe the show is actually called that. 

HARRY: What’s wrong with Cultured? I like it. 

TOM: It’s either a horrible pun or it makes it seem like we’re going to be talking about places in the world I have no interest in going. Besides, what about the microbes you can’t culture? Are we just going to ignore those? It’s a horrid name.

HARRY: Don’t listen to Tom. He had a rough morning. As I was saying, we are your hosts. I am Harry and beside me is Tom. We’re here to talk to you about viruses! First off, some basics about viruses. Is a virus living? 

TOM: We’re not getting into this debate again. 

HARRY: It’s an important question! 

TOM: The last time we talked about this, you tried to hex me through the wall. 

HARRY: You were being a prat. 

TOM: Oh so it’s my fault you’re wrong. 

HARRY: We’re going to have a civil conversation because we are live right now. 

TOM: Fine. While Harry and I may disagree on the subject, as your hosts, we are going with a maybe. Mr Wrong, would you like to explain why you think viruses are alive? 

HARRY: Well, Mr Prat, viruses can evolve. In fact, one of the viruses we will be talking about on this show, orthomyxoviridae, the influenza virus family, mutates so often we need a new flu shot every year. And they make us sick. Come on, can you imagine something that’s not living making you sick? 

TOM: Poisons. Toxins. Need I go on? This brings me to the other side of the issue. Viruses can never reproduce on their own. Also, their method of reproduction varies widely from cellular life, which we will also be talking about later. 

HARRY: We call viruses obligate intracellular parasites, but there are also bacteria that are considered obligate intracellular parasites, like chlamydia. Safe sex, dear listeners! 

TOM: Can you think of more reasons viruses may be alive or dead? Send messages to the agency. 

HARRY: Every virus is made up of a nucleic acid genome and a capsid, which is a protein coat that surrounds the virus. Some may also have an envelope. All viruses follow a typical life cycle: attachment, penetration, uncoating, early gene expression, genome replication, late gene expression, assembly, and release. There are some that never uncoat completely, but there is always some level of uncoating. 

TOM: There are certain characteristics you need to consider about a virus. DNA or RNA genome? Double-stranded or single stranded? If single-stranded, which strand is it? Is the genome linear or circular? Capsid symmetry? Remember we have icosahedral, helical, and complex. 

HARRY: There are some that have enveloped, but For those who don’t know what an icosahedron is—

TOM: Like you when we first met? 

HARRY: _I knew what an icosahedron was_. I’ve been playing D &D for years, thank you very much. Who cares about two-fold, three-fold, and five-fold axes? And this was _ten years ago_. You’re ridiculous.

TOM: You still got the question wrong. 

HARRY: [beep] you. 

TOM: Do you think the censors are working properly? You have such a potty mouth, Potter. 

HARRY: [beep] you. I know where you sleep. [Clears throat.] As I was saying, icosahedrons have 12 vertices, 20 faces, and 30 edges. 

TOM: Are we talking about capsid symmetries already? I thought that was coming after history.

HARRY: It’s not like we have a script. The agency just told us to talk about viruses. 

TOM: [long pause] I sent you a schedule of what we were going to talk about. 

HARRY: …I didn’t get it. 

TOM: I’ve been reminding you about the schedule for the past month. You were nodding when I was talking. 

HARRY: …You talk a lot.

TOM: I know where you sleep too. Fine. Talk about your capsids. Whatever. It’s not like anyone is listening. Honestly, what was the agency thinking about making a talk show about viruses?

HARRY: …I like viruses. You like viruses. We’re virus buddies. 

TOM: [deep sigh] This is going to kill my career. 

HARRY: As I was saying, icosahedrons have 12 vertices, 20 faces, and 30 edges. It takes a minimum of three proteins to make up one face, so the minimum number of proteins in an icosahedral capsid is 60 proteins.

TOM: However, viruses typically have small genomes, too small to code for a massive protein, which is why they use multiple small proteins to create a capsid. This is an example of genetic economy. These proteins assemble first into pentamers and hexamers. For the smallest virus, there is one pentamer at every vertex and one hexamer at every edge. These proteins are capable of quasi-equivalence as they can have slightly different bonds to their neighbors to form both a pentamer and a hexamer. 

HARRY: Helical capsids, on the other hand, are long, hollow tube-like structures. They are bonded to the genome, so the length of the genome determines the length of a helical capsid. This is especially good for segmented viruses like influenza because each segment is a different length. 

TOM: Now, onto history. The earliest documented case of a viral disease was Egypt in—

HARRY: Is history really that important? Look, smallpox has been around forever. Poliovirus has been around forever. This isn’t an origin of life discussion.

TOM: First of all, viruses are not living. 

HARRY: If RNA was the first nucleic acid–

TOM: We are not talking about this. Fine, you win, let’s skip the history. 

HARRY: Yes! 

TOM: [sighs] Merlin, you are a child. Why did I ever agree to move in with you? 

HARRY: Moving on, let’s talk about viruses because that’s why you are all here today right? Positive-sense, single-stranded RNA viruses are one of the easier ones to understand. 

TOM: Before we talk about that, let’s talk about what positive sense means. In our DNA genome, there are two strands. When RNA polymerase does transcription, one of the strands is the template and the other is the coding strand. The coding strand is identical to the messenger RNA, or mRNA, transcript. 

HARRY: The template strand is read 3’ to 5’ so the mRNA is produced 5’ to 3’. More questions about what 5’ and 3’ means can be directed to the lovely agency. The mRNA is what we call the plus, or positive, strand. This is the RNA that the ribosomes read. This is important because there are negative-sense, single-stranded RNA viruses as well. Now, let’s talk about picornavirus. 

TOM: Picornavirus is a positive-sense, single-stranded, nonenveloped, linear virus. Some of the diseases it causes are poliomyelitis by poliovirus, the common cold by rhinovirus, and hepatitis A by hepatovirus. 

HARRY: Since Tom forgot to say this, all RNA viruses are linear. 

TOM: [sarcasm] Yes, thank you so much for that, dear Harry.

HARRY: Happy to help! Since picornavirus has no envelope, it does not do membrane fusion with a cell membrane. This virus is a bit of a special case because, rather than glycoprotein spikes for anti-receptors, it contains either depressions, or canyons, that the cell can insert its receptor into or it has surface-exposed loops regions.

TOM: Think of it this way because viruses can be a little difficult to understand. Typically, a virus has a protruding spike that it can stick into a receptor on a cell. In this case, Harry is the virus and I am the cell. During binding, I penetrate him—

HARRY: _Oh my god, you cannot say this on a show._

TOM: What? Did I say something wrong? 

HARRY: ... Fine, moving on. When a virus binds to the viral receptor on the cell, the virus will either undergo a conformational change - the virus will literally change the shape of its proteins - on the cell surface and penetrate the cell or the cell can take in the virus via receptor-mediated endocytosis. 

TOM: In other words, either Harry thrusts into me harshly, or I gently guide him into me. 

HARRY: OH MY GOD. CUT. END. WHATEVER WE’RE CALLING IT. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE YOU WANT TO EAT ME. WE’RE A FAMILY SHOW. CUT! 

[scuffling sounds]

TOM: Well, my co-host has fled, and I suppose this is the conclusion of our show. Thank you for listening.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](https://qualamity.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
